Develop understanding, empathy, and deep connection.

Emotionally-Focused Therapy for couples in Oregon & Washington

 

Are you getting stuck in the same arguments over and over, and feeling more distant from and less vulnerable with the person who used to be your best friend?

You’ve hoped for a long time that your relationship would get better. But you’ve started feeling hopeless about whether’s that’s possible.

You’ve read the books on how to have “better” conversations with your partner. You likely talk about your relationship difficulties in your own individual therapy. You might follow some of the social media therapists who try and support your relationship goals. You perhaps have even tried couples therapy before, but feel like that actually made your relationship issues worse.

What is Emotionally-Focused Therapy?

Developed by couples therapist and attachment researcher, Sue Johnson, Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT, for short) is based on the science of our human biological need for relationships.

The goal of EFT is to help clarify the cycle of disconnection couples get into. What event/statement/emotion triggers something for one partner? How does that person cope with the trigger? How do they subsequently communicate with their partner? And what about how the other partner is triggered?

In EFT, we explore the internal thoughts and emotions that are occurring within an individual (what’s being said and what’s not being said) and being assumed about the partner. You’ll practice different ways of communicating thoughts and emotions and overall being more vulnerable.

By drastically changing how you’re communicating, you’ll find you don’t get caught up in the same conflict over and over, and your needs are better met in your relationship.

Ultimately, EFT is an experiential approach to couples therapy where much of your learning and change as a couple will happen during the therapy session, and the best tool you’ll learn to lean on is your partner because you’ll trust that’s all you need.

You don’t have to keep feeling this way in your relationship.

Different from other forms of therapy, EFT starts with a focus on de-escalating. You’ll learn how and why your partner jumps to feeling anxious or angry when you were just trying to make a comment or request. De-escalation is critical to the process of couples therapy because without first really understanding what’s going on, you’d miss this deep level of connection that enables you to catch and get out of your cycle of conflict more quickly while also being able to provide and receive validation and reassurance.

How often are you feeling confused about why you’re arguing so much about dishes, chores, or delegation of childcare?

So often, we’re not actually mad the dishes didn’t get done, that we feel like the only one who does the laundry or cleans up after the pets, or that the other person never schedules the kids’ dentist appointments.

What we are upset about, and hurt by, are these repeated events that make us question:

  • “Do I really matter to you?”

  • “Can I depend on you when I need you?”

  • “Are you going to be there for me, no matter how tough things get?”

EFT can help you genuinely feel like the answer to these questions is an authentic YES!

Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy can help you…

 

  • Better understand your own responses to emotions, how you handle them, and how you communicate them

  • Better understand how your partner responds, manages, and communicates emotions

  • Learn what one another is really trying to communicate

  • Experience a positive shift in interactional patterns

  • Create a secure bond between partners

  • Truly feel like your partner is more emotionally available, responsive, and engaged

As your EFT therapist, I consider myself to be a “process consultant.” This means I won’t necessarily throw skills and strategies at you two after one session because I believe we first have to understand what’s really hurting in order to heal rather than trying apply band-aids.

I’ve spent years researching and working with relationship attachment, figuring out what makes it difficult to connect with a significant other, and how to overcome those emotional walls.

My approach to couples therapy comes from a place of considering all aspects of your relational history that has led to current internal dialogues and overwhelming feelings. With an attachment and emotion-focused lens, I’ll help you both understand the things that are actually felt underneath what might feel like an attacking statement. I’ll help you reword the ways you try to reach for one another and practice a different way of emoting, sharing, and relating.

And with someone who’s dedicated years to understanding relationships, you can trust you’re working with someone who thoroughly understands how to show up for you and support you in therapy.

A better relationship is possible.

Schedule Free Consultation

Frequently asked questions about Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

FAQs

  • EFT is a great fit if you and your partner find yourself in the same patterns of conflict over and over. If you’re noticing it’s hard to understand what your partner is feeling or thinking, you’re feeling like your partner doesn’t understand what you’re thinking or feeling, and just overall like the two of you are having a hard time being vulnerable with one another… EFT is PERFECT for you.

    Other forms of couples therapy might focus too much on “use this skill/strategy when this problem comes up.” That approach certainly has a time and a place, but ultimately may not lead to long-lasting shifts in your relationship satisfaction and fulfillment.

  • EFT is a highly effective short-term approach for couples therapy. Some research has indicated EFT is significantly more effective than other forms of couples therapy both while you are in couples therapy, and after you leave therapy.

    For more research, visit this page.

  • Generally, many couples see significant improvement within 8-20 sessions; however, couples with trauma histories, active substance use concerns, or a history of infidelity may benefit from longer-term therapy.

  • We’ll start with a free 20 minute consultation so that we can meet and see how we connect.

    I truly believe the connection between therapist and couples makes all the difference in therapy, so if any of us decides we are not the best fit, I will be happy to provide you with referrals.

    If we do decide we’re a good fit, we’ll schedule an initial 60 minute session and go from there.